dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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