The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
