I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
