i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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