do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
