I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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