I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
