I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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