There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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