so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize