you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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