I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
