and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Randomize
