Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
