Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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