Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
