On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
