i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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