I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
