He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
