do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
