all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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