I could have mohawked her pubes.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
