hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
im on a boat
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