its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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