dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
