my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
