just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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