On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
