having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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