my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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