you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I have fence marks all over my body
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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