I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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