I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
