I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
