Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
