drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
