Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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