Who wears a wallet chain?!
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
