how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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