i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
