I wish my penis had an off switch
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
