I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
