i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
