pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
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