the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
