Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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