dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
We smell like vodka and hangover
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