I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
