I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
