I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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