the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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