conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
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