i'm lost and i look like a hooker
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
