Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
