Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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