I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
