Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
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He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
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You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
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