Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
