tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
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I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
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You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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