i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
