You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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