Reggie can tackle my bush.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
