I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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